


Horrified Stares, Profoundly Awkward Silence, and Surprises of the Consciousness-Stripping Variety

by jazzonia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-01
Updated: 2007-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 09:36:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1068912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzonia/pseuds/jazzonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James learns something about his best friends, and receives some very surprising news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horrified Stares, Profoundly Awkward Silence, and Surprises of the Consciousness-Stripping Variety

"Good afternoon, Remus," James says as he approaches the wide oak front desk of the public library. Remus, arms buried to the elbows in a basket of crimson overdue book cards, smiles.

"Hey yourself! How was work?" he asks, prying one arm from the mess. James's office at the Ministry and the library where Remus works are just a few blocks apart, and since James's shift ends marginally earlier than Remus's, he sometimes visits Remus at the end of the day.

"Oh, all right. It's a desk job, you know, so far -- I thought being a Cursebreaker was going to be all adventure and exciting trips, but they start you off with quite a bit of paperwork." He shrugs. "Money's not great, either, but we're doing all right." The 'we', of course, is James and Lily, the Wizarding world's favorite newlyweds.

"That's good to hear. Lily enjoys her job as a Healer?" Remus inquires as he charms the cards into only slightly crooked stacks.

"She enjoys it -- speaking of which, she should be home already. Peter's out with what's-her-name, so do you and Sirius and I want to meet her at our house and go out for drinks?" James asks.

"I'd be glad to," Remus replies with a smile. "Let me just sign out, and we'll Apparate to Sirius's house to ask him."

Ten minutes later, James and Remus attempt to Apparate to Sirius's small cottage. He had set up wards preventing Apparating to and from within the house, so the pair land in the front garden of Sirius's neighbor.

"Sirius! It's me!" Remus calls as he and James climb the front steps.

"Remus?" Sirius's voice drifts out of the open screen door, accompanied by the sound of an egg beater.

"Yeah, and I'm with J -- "

Sirius's voice cuts Remus off. "Uh-uh, Rem, answer our question!"

Remus shares an exasperated look with James -- both are familiar with Sirius's stubbornness. "C'mon, Sirius, it's just me and -- "

"Remus, you're the one who wanted to have questions anyway. So give me the answer to ours." Still Sirius has not come to the door, though the egg beater has stopped.

"Sirius, I really don't think -- "

"Answer. The. Question."

After a comment to James about how pigheaded Sirius was being, Remus answers, "Fine. What is it now?"

"Where did we have sex for the first time?" Though Sirius himself is still inside the home, his voice is perfectly, painfully audible.

Remus freezes. His head turns ever so slowly to look at James, who is staring at Remus with a mixture of shock and fear on his face.

Several moments too many of profoundly awkward silence ensues, during which James wears a Horrified Stare to Trump All Horrified Stares, Sirius's footsteps ring out like death bells as he approaches, and Remus briefly contemplates suicide.

"Don't tell me it was that bad that you've purposely forgotten it, Remus, 'cause I thought it was just fine, and -- oh, bloody mother fucker." The last four words are uttered as Sirius finally walks to the screen door and catches sight of his previously naive best friend standing beside his lover.

The Stare shifts its wrath from Remus to Sirius, who cowers under its intensity.

"Fuck," Remus whispers, before turning and fleeing to Mrs. Jenkins' garden, from where he promptly Disapparates with a loud, angry _crack_.

James doesn't even blink, which makes Sirius gulp in fear.

"So, erm, surprise!" he says lamely, brandishing his favorite new tool -- a Muggle egg-beater -- and looking fairly ridiculous in the only apron he has, which happens to be Remus's mother's pink one.

"Not the way we'd planned on telling you, but, ah, I guess what's done is done. Um, yeah, so Remus and I are kind of... shagging..."

\-- The Stare intensifies --

"...and, well, we are. So sorry if you don't like it, I know it's kind of shocking, but, well, we love each other just like you and Lily do, 'cept not technically the same way, but, ah, you don't need to know about that kind of stuff, not snogging or shagging or the fantastic blow job that Remus gave me last -- oops."

James shrieks and breaks The Stare to run across Sirius's lawn and onto Mrs. Jenkins'. He throws a Stabbing Glare of Death at Sirius before Disapparating even more loudly than Remus had. Before Mrs. Jenkins can toss produce through his windows like she did after his, admittedly loud, New Year's party last year, Sirius sprints into his other neighbor's house and Disapparates to the only place he can think of -- James's and Lily's apartment.

When he arrives a split second later, dizzy due to his lack of concentration, he is face-to-face with a slightly hysterical Lily, a frightened Remus, and a just-arrived James.

"James, you have to -- " Sirius says quickly, grabbing the back of a chair for stability as he attempts to confront his best friend, even if he can't see quite right yet.

"Sirius, shut up!" Lily shouts flipping the bird in his general direction. "I have to say something!"

Remus pales.

James gulps.

Sirius feels nauseous.

"I'm pregnant, James!" Lily squeals.

James emits a pathetic squeaking noise, and passes out. Lily rushes over and kneels to check on her husband; upon seeing that he has passed out, she faints onto his chest.

"So," Remus says conversationally, turning to face Sirius. "That stripped him of his consciousness pretty quickly."

"Consciousness-stripping? Why does that me me think of -- "

"You don't even need to say it," Remus said hurriedly. "Don't want Prongs or his sprog to hear your dirty stories."

"Rem, I was so not the dirty one that night!"

"Well," Remus says loudly as his cheeks became tinged with pink, overriding Sirius's wolfish smile with his Important Voice. "That was an afternoon that we will all remember, for sure."

"What'll we do? What if James hates us?" Sirius asks, brow furrowed with concentration.

Remus steps over the unconscious forms of the Potters, taciturn with his own personal worry, and offers Sirius hope the only way he can.

"Tea?"


End file.
